A REPUBLICAN ... CAUGHT IN A LIE?! NO WAY!!! Yer old pal Jerky understands that, in the greater scheme of things, focusing on a single, comparatively minor Republican fib is like carrying a torch into bright burning Troy, but this latest example is just too ripe with circumstantial relevance to ignore. This is the story of California Republican Howard Kaloogian, the GOP's candidate for the Congressional seat recently vacated by Representative Duke Cunningham (R-jailbird), who left the public sector after 14 years to pursue a career in federal incarceration, thanks to his almost comical level of corruption. From his beaming, bright white perma-smile to his paint-by-numbers policy platform, Kaloogian is your garden variety right-wing conservative movementarian. A booster's booster, he idolizes Ronald Reagan to the point of taking part in a campaign to get CBS to turf an unflattering biography of the 40th president, and is unabashedly onboard the Dubya train. You could probably have guessed, then, that Kaloogian whole-heartedly supports the specious conservative trope that the occupation of Iraq is going super keen dandy, thank you very much, and the only reason the American people don't see it that way is because the stinking liberal biased media refuse to report any of the good news stories coming out of Iraq, due to their blind hatred for George W. Bush, freedom, and Jesus Christ. And this, dear reader, is where the tale takes an interesting twist. In preparation for April's special election, Kaloogian created a campaign website wherein he prominently displayed a photograph of downtown Baghdad that appeared to contradict the prevailing belief that Iraq is a basket-case nation on the verge of a three-front civil war. Beside the image (you can see it above) was the following caption: "We took this photo of downtown Baghdad while we were in Iraq. Iraq (including Baghdad) is much more calm and stable than what many people believe it to be. But, each day the news media finds any violence occurring in the country and screams and shouts about it - in part because many journalists are opposed to the U.S. effort to fight terrorism." Ah yes, the old "pro-terrorist media" angle. Delightful, isn't it? It's been a while since we've seen it stated quite so brazenly anywhere other than right-wing AM radio or on FOX News. Kaloogian's rhetoric was so strong, in fact, that it attracted the attention of quite a few indignant leftish and centrist bloggers, many of whom linked to it as yet another example of hysterical conservative hyperbole. Unfortunately for Kaloogian, this sudden up-spike in page-hits didn't translate into a boost to his candidacy, because the more people saw the photograph in question, the more questions were raised. For instance: Why aren't any of the shop signs written in Arabic? Indeed, why are most of the shop signs written in Turkish, and many of the businesses to which those signs belong exclusively located in Turkey? When did the European Union sneak into Baghdad to erect EU-standard traffic signs? Does Baghdad have an underground transportation system nobody knew about? What's up with the chick in the spaghetti strap top, holding hands with her boyfriend in plain sight? Yes indeed, something stinky was definitely afoot (no pun intended), and rumors of misrepresentation spread across the left side of the bloggosphere almost as fast as news of Casey Sheehan's missing headstone did across the right. Within a day, actual, bona-fide newspersons were contacting Kaloogian to grill him about the circumstances surrounding the photograph. To make a long story short, the paranoid doubters turned out to be correct. The photograph in question did not show a street in Baghdad, but a bucolic suburb of Istanbul, Turkey. No longer able to deny the increasing volume of evidence, Kaloogian blamed the "stupid mistake" on an unnamed staffer. So there you have it, friends. The "error" has been admitted, the photograph has been taken down, and "Kaloogian" is now a noun denoting "a false or out-of-context image used in order to advance an agenda." And we all lived happily ever after. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 29 On this day in the year 1827, over twenty-thousand mourners -- many of them physically overwhelmed by grief -- show up to watch as cultural titan Ludwig van Beethoven is lowered into the cold, damp ground of his beloved Vienna. On this day in 1848, the Niagara Falls stop flowing for a full 30 hours as the water is held back by a mighty jam of hard-packed ice. On this day in 1882, a bunch of disgruntled Catholics get together and form the Knights of Columbus as an alternative secret society to the Freemasons, which frowned upon "Papists" for reasons that should be obvious to anybody who knows anything about the origins of Freemasonry. Their greatest contribution to society so far? Getting "under God" added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954, then convincing a nation of sheep that it was there all along. On this day in 1991, White House advisor Karl Rove's mentor, Republican political strategist Lee Atwater, dies of a brain tumor at the ripe old age of 40. Among his many crimes -- and they were legion -- taking part in the destruction of popular music was among the worst. Renouncing his ways on his deathbed probably didn't prevent him from being cast into the shitty-most bowels of Hell, where he still burns to this day. On this day in 1989, not-gay actor Tom Cruise experiences elation and suffers humiliation on the very same day, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards the Oscar for best picture to Rainman, and the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation awards the Razzie for worst picture to Cocktail.

THEY SAID IT! "Utter debacle. But it had to be from the very first. The reasons were wrong. The reasons of this administration for taking this nation to war were not what they stated. Tommy Franks was brow-beaten and ... pursued warfare that he knew strategically was wrong in the long term. That's why he retired immediately afterward. His own staff could tell him what was going to happen afterward. We have fomented civil war in Iraq. We have probably fomented internecine war in the Muslim world between the Shias and the Sunnis, and I think Bush may well have started the third world war, all for their own personal policies." - Eric Haney, retired command sergeant major of the U.S. Army and a founding member of Delta Force, offers his unvarnished opinion on the war in Iraq is going. *** **** *** "After the United States collapses and is reconstituted as a military dictatorship, when our population is finally given a taste of the bloody medicine it has been pouring on the rest of the world, the victims here will start to get angry. And then they will start, like the Kurds, to lash out at pieties that have been exploited by the destroyers of our country. Which monument do you think the American mobs will burn down first?" - Our old pals at AmericanCoprophagia have an interesting take on the coming troubles.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: Don't worry. He'll tell you. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Greg Lee for sending in today's second joke. A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NEW ORLEANS: A GROUND'S EYE VIEW care of: Jon Hey Jerky, Long time but I've been reading regularly. Everybody's been saying my thoughts pretty close so really didn't have any new input. Took a trip two weeks ago to New Orleans, couldn't believe asshole Bush went the same time. Had to change plans the day he was there so as to not get too close. Went to help my sister's family get a few more repairs done. They are the some of the lucky ones as their house is on the west bank and got no flooding just wind damage. It is really unbelievable what that place looks like. You see things you never thought you'd see. After miles and miles of gutted houses that got flooded it gets tough. Coming in on I-10 over Lake Pontchartrain as soon as you get on land again it starts. Miles of gutted businesses, apartments, houses, strip malls, everything. Nothing is open. As shocking as that was it was nothing like the sight coming over the N. Claiborne Ave bridge into the Ninth Ward. When you get to the top of the bridge you see it, blocks and blocks of flattened buildings. Houses on top of cars, cars on top of cars, houses in the middle of the road. If anybody cannot feel for the people who lived there they are some of the most cold hearted, self centered assholes that exist. It is truly impossible to put into words. Down along Lakeshore drive at Lake Pontchartrain is another sight. Up to a 15 foot surge came over the banks there and pretty much wiped out everything. Airplane hangers have at most 2 walls standing. All the lakeside parks are back to the primitive days, the picnic shelters, facilities gutted. The road itself is something as it has holes and ridges up to 2 feet deep/high that will kill a car if you hit one. There are no traffic signals anywhere so you better pay attention at every intersection. And still no one around, it's like, I'm not sure what it's like but it's not good. There isn't any sewer or water so every so often they have the good old green porta-potties. And this goes on and on and on. After awhile it just overwhelms you. I spent 2 days of the week I stayed driving around looking and that was all I could take. My sister asked me about it one day and I couldn't even put any words together, I just shook my head. The sheer magnitude of it all, I'm guessing 10 years at least and maybe it will slightly resemble what it once did. A lot of people I talk to think it's all fixed and over with. From what I saw you might think it all happened last month. It's was great to see college kids taking spring break to go there and help. Anyhoo, I just wanted to put in my 2 cents. Keep up the good stuff. - Jon [Thanks for your awesome reportage, Jon. Hopefully, Bush will be impeached soon, and the affected regions will feel the cool breath of a new hope. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Dear Mr. Jerky... Ten bucks to whoever of your readers can get a picture of the back end of this Britney Spears sculpture. Cheers, Andy [I'd offer a cash prize, but FUCK that shit! - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo, Jerky! I noticed that you have picked up the pace and are pretty much on track with the dirt. I wanted to thank you for catching up and keeping the good work flowing. As you know, I've been reading you almost since your first issue of the Dirt. Keep up the good stuff. Don't get tired of bashing Bush, even if it seems that the population as a whole is not listening or doing anything about it. Peace, YOPJoe [I'll try. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, never before (until yesterday's Dirt) have I heard of the Church of the Subgenius and so either you haven’t been doing your job (because they are really fucking creative, and bizarre) ­ in which case I’m pissed at you, or it was my bad and I missed it, or maybe I just need to smoke another blunt? OR… WTF? WTF was I talking about? Oh yeah, the CHURCH is Wild and I thought about joining until I saw their, uh, women. Bleech! The only fuckable one in the entire herd is the Reverend Mary Magdalene. Ahh, nevermind, just keep up the good work. And please, please, don’t tear me down like you did, Exshaw. Exshaw. Poor Exshaw. Alas... Sniffle-sniffle. ROTFL! [The Church of Subgenius is kind of past its prime. The satirical science-fiction "religion du jour" these days is Scientology, baby! Those guys are fucking HILARIOUS! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerk Ass, I truly hope that coffee bean ruse was some kind of early April Fools joke. If it was, you got me. I've been staring for an hour and see nothing but beans and/or my Mother in lingerie holding a riding crop and miming the first scene of Cats. Man this is good weed... your flashy "Get Dirt Gear" banner ain't helpin' either. Cardina [Look harder. - Jerky] *** **** *** Curious -- your First Amendment Zone often discusses pornstars by name, and in fact you posted a letter by me inquiring about whatsername, with the blowjob bestseller. So why did you bowdlerize Lynn LeMay's name? Does her production company compete with the ones who advertise on your site or something? I was just picking a pornstar's name out of the air, and I only know about four or five of them by name, I figured she must be pretty famous if I know her name. Wherefore the censorship? ACD [I thought you were referring to a personal acquaintance! Oops... - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I'm terrified. I ain't looking at that coffee bean picture. I'm afraid it'll turn into a picture of a TV and that chick from The Ring will pop out -- and imagine! I checked out the pic, I made sure it's in jpeg format (which means it don't move!) -- but NO! I'm afraid something will pop out and make me spill my coffee. And I'll have nightmares at night :( Such is the negative effect of having seen too much shit on the 'net for 9 years. Hang in there, Vicky D [No worries. It ain't a screamer. - Jerky] *** **** *** [A few minutes later, Vicky sent the following update... - Jerky] Jerky, I did it!!! I LOOKED! I found the bastard!!! Yaaaaay I'm cured!!! Actually I take that back; I'm not cured, cause if I say so, the next 2-3 pictures will jump out at me and I'll die of a heart attack in a pile of my own shit. Vicky D

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com