BELIEVE IT, OR CHOKE ON MY COCK! "AT LAST! THE RETURN OF LOLLAPALOOZA!!!" FILLER N' SHIT! Dehydrated eggs, freeze dried coffee, processed cheese, Tang… the culinary legacy of our military's Research and Development division may not be cordon bleu, but it sure has left its mark on society at large. Now, our uniformed food researchers can add the virtually immortal pre-fab sandwich to their long list of accomplishments! The vacuum packed, pocket-sized, chemical-soaked snack, developed by the U.S. Army Soldier Systems Center in Natick, Massachusetts, comes in pepperoni and barbecue chicken flavors, and is currently intended as a supplement to battle rations. According to a recently published report in New Scientist magazine, these new, indestructible sandwiches can survive incredible extremes in temperature, lasting up to six months in even the most searing desert - or steamy jungle - heat. In less brutal climes, scientists estimate a sandwich could be edible even if you waited three years before ripping open the seal! So, how'd they do that? "The water activity of the different sandwich components needs to complement each other," project officer Michelle Richardson told the magazine. "If the water activity of the meat is too high you might get soggy bread." In other words, DON'T ASK! I know this sounds like one of those bullshit gerbil-ass-cannon stories that get forwarded and re-forwarded again and again, but as far as yer old pal Jerky can tell, this Ananova report seems legit: An unnamed Danish man who was having a mole excised from his backside by a surgeon wielding an "electric scalpel" accidentally passed gas during the procedure this week, causing a chain reaction that culminated with his cock and balls going up in flames. Apparently, a spark from the high-precision electric blade ignited the man's bio-vented methane release, resulting in a minor fireball, or "blue angel" as anal ignition connoisseurs are wont to call it. Now, the kind of injuries suffered by most people on the business end of an ignited fart are usually limited to singed pubes. However, having recently had his nether regions prepped for surgery, this particular patient's entire cock-and-ballular area had been recently swabbed with alcohol, which the primary fireball, in turn, ignited, thus setting this poor bastards genitals on fire. In his own defense, Dr Jorn Kristensen told the press: "No-one considered the possibility the man would break wind during the operation, let alone that it would catch fire. It was an unfortunate accident." This excuse offers poor consolation for the patient, however, who claims he had to take extra time off work, and still hasn't been able to resume sexual activity with his wife. Of course, he's suing the hospital. Yer old pal Jerky supposes the lesson to be learned, here, is that you should always insert a butt-plug before going in for surgery. And if I may be so bold as to recommend... there is a wide assortment of wonderful butt-plugs to choose from at the Daily Dirt Sex Mall! Bon apetit! Are you one of the dozens of pierced, tattoo'd throwbacks who fondly recalls those heady days when Lollapalooza loomed larger on your social calendar than Christmas, Halloween and Veteran's Day all rolled into one? If so, then yer old pal Jerky's got some good news for you. The traveling musico-cultural freakshow's founder, Perry Farrell - not the sexy alien from Star Trek: Deep Sleep Nine - is thinking of once again starting up his formerly ubiquitous, now all-but-forgotten enterprise, which last hit the road in 1997. The former Jane's Addiction front man tells Launch magazine that he's set to the tour in summer of 2003, which yer old pal Jerky predicts will be about a year after the last person stops giving a fuck about Lollapalooza, and about a year before any kind of exploitable nostalgia market develops. Unlucky!

ON THIS DAY April 17 On this day in 1961, in a massive covert operation that remains, at best, poorly understood, one thousand four hundred CIA-trained Cuban exiles land in the Bay of Pigs, ostensibly in an abortive attempt to overthrow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Depending on which version of reality you believe - the officially approved version or one of the myriad competing alternative versions - this failed coup either led directly to JFK's assassination by Castro supporter Lee Harvey Oswald, or it led indirectly to his assassination by CIA cheif Allen Dulles' simpatico thugs, as revenge for JFK's refusal to be forced into providing official support for a military action the Executive branch had no part in planning. History is a bloody bitch... it's about time we showed her the back of our hand. I don't even know what that means, so don't bother writing in to ask me.

QUOTES! "St. Michael the Archangel appeared to him and says there's a mission: You've got to kill six German soldiers and Hitler. You'll get a soul and perhaps save millions of lives by preventing the Holocaust." - Kevin Reddington, attorney for accused mass-murderer Michael "Mucko" McDermott, seems to be pretty obviously putting all his eggs in the "insanity defense" basket. You may remember Mucko as the shaggy-headed hacker who killed seven co-workers in a rampage at Edgewater Technologies in December, 2000. His bloody rampage helped add a jagged edge to the bubbling Y2K ennui many of us were suffering at the time. *** *** *** "The biggest question now facing the CIA concerning Venezuela is how to recork champagne. Message from Venezuela to Bush: This Ain't Florida, Gringo!" - Barry Crimmins hits the nail on the head in his daily update.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Will Rogers... Stan married a gorgeous girl. She had an identical twin. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Stan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "Exactly, Your Honor... and that's why I want the divorce!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our new pal Phil O'Sophical... The great French mathematician and philosopher René Descartes went into a restaurant. The waiter came over and said, "Bonjour, Monsieur Descartes. Would you like to see a menu?" Descartes replied, "I think not," and disappeared. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by ASHOKUMAR. ONCE THERE WAS A SUPER COMPETITION IN A PARTICULAR CITY THAT WHO AMONG THE GIRLS HAVE A BIG HOLE. SO THREE LADIES(CALL GIRLS) APPEARED FOR THE COPETION.SO THE COMPETION STARTED. FIRST THE FIRST LADY OPENED HER UNDER WEAR AND SHE LET A FELLOW GO CYCLING IN HER HOLE AND COME BACK SECOND THE SECOND LADY OPENED HER UNDER WEAR AND LET A LORRY TO PASS HER HOLE AND COME BACK THIRD THE THIRD LADY OPENED HER WEAR AND LET AN AEROPLANE TO PASS HER ASS AND COME BACK. FINALLY INTHE MIKE IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE PRIZE IS GIVEN FOR A LADY OTHER THAN THE THREE APPEARED. THEY WENT TO THE JUDGE AND ASKED FOR THE EXPLANATION THE JUDDGE SAID "THAT GIRL IS THE WINNER BECAUSE THIS WHOLE COMPETITION TAKES PLASE ONLY IN HER HOLE" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky, For years I've heard male friends bitch about how hard it is to urinate with morning wood, and how to remedy the problem. One of my friends said it's easiest to just piss in the tub, while others just try to bend it down. However, I never thought it was possible for a penis to break until today... I found out the my co-workers husband was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery after breaking his penis whilst bending his ridged pecker down to piss. My question is this: What specifically is the surgeon repairing? Was it a rupture or did it split open? What kind of damage can one do to their hard penis by bending it too far? Signed: I Eat Crayons Dear Crayon Eater; Yer old pal Jerky will answer your question just as soon as he manages to uncurl himself from the fetal tuck into which his body instantly snapped upon reading your horrible, horrible letter. This should take a couple of days or so. In the meantime, just GO EASY on it, maaan!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: MESSY REALPOLITIK MAKES FOR MESSY ASSESSMENTS Care of: aram@worldnet.att.net. What are the chances that, in 20 years, we'll learn that this whole Afghanistan bullshit was planned in advance with the objective to pour more Money into the Military, to erode Constsutional Rights, to make the Rich even Richer and to make Bush look Presidential (and re-electable). His daddy had his war, and now JR has his. There's stuff out there to read, but nobody does. I recently forwarded a NYTimes article about CIA officials reaping a profit buy selling the Airlines "short" a few days before the attack. They knew what was gonna happen. It will eventually come out that Many people made a bunch of bucks from the attack. Who cares about the thousands of dead? There's money to be made! There's an elite in this country (and in the whole fucking world). They run things. They make all the money. They use the government, which they own, to make their lives even more profitable. Meanwhile, in the space of 10 months, we've lost our budget surplus, we're at war with the poorest country in the world, the economy is tanking and we'll shortly lose Social Security. In the name of security we're gonna lose our civil liberties. Remember the Gulf of Tonkin? Remember Vietnam? Remember our bought-and-paid-for Congress standing and cheering the Light at the End of the Tunnel? It goes on and on. The lives of the common man are routinely sacrificed to satisify the greed of the elite. Can we somehow elect a government which will be honorable? NO! It's never happened throughout history. Once a member of our un-evolved species gets a hold of power, that power is abused. I was on the Board of the local Library. We needed a rug of some sort for the kids to sit on for Story-Telling Time. I could have gotten one for 50 bucks, but we chose to buy one from a "friend" of another Board member for a mere 500 dollars. This was supposed to be a discount price, but it was the ordinary list price. When I was in A.A., I rose to a position resembling being a member of Congress. I told the other members that I stopped collecting money at my meetings, because we didn't need it. We had plenty of money for the rent and coffee, so why ask for more? Well, let me tell you, this didn't go over. Collect the money, they yelled. Why, I asked. Because, they responded. There's no hope until the species evolves to a higher level, but since we are born Tabula Rasa, this will never happen. - Hopeless [Not unlike your own twisted mental meanderings, America's realpolitik is currently a confused, conflicted, aimlessly aggressive mess. To borrow an ever less frequently invoked turn of phrase from my conservative friends: "Thank God the ADULTS are back in charge!" - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com